by Merlyn Gabriel Miller

If you have suffered from depression, you’ve probably heard these statements before:

“It’s all in your head. Just snap out of it!”
“Everybody goes through stuff, OK! But we don’t just sit around feeling sorry for ourselves because of it.”
“Stop being so negative. Focus on the positive instead.”
“But you’ve got so much to be grateful for. Others have it a lot worse.”

Some of these people mean well, while others are just plain ignorant. And of course, neither of them offer any valuable advice.

You can’t just think your way out of a depression.

And here is why:

Depression Distorts Your Perception

To understand how depression changes the way you think and see the world, imagine this: You've got a steel box glued to your head. With only a few, tiny peep-holes for you to see and breathe through. Share on X

It’s dark, uncomfortable, and all you hear is the echo of your own voice, shouting, “You’re a failure. Nobody loves you. What’s the point?” Everything else gets distorted, and you’re not even sure what is really out there, as you can’t see or hear properly.

Depression is a lot like that.

Anything coming from the outside of the box, gets filtered through narrow holes. And everything coming from the inside, sounds louder and more real.

So, how exactly do you think yourself out of this depression box, with your head still stuck in it?

Depression And Self-Absorption

Once, I was a passenger in a car, with a suicidal man at the wheel.

He drove like a lunatic on the winding, narrow roads, and I tried to get him to slow down.

But he didn’t care whether he crashed the car.
He wanted to die anyway.

So, I asked him,
“Who am I – the person sitting right next to you in this car? Am I just a figment of your imagination?”

He looked confused and said,
“Sorry? Come again?”

I continued,
“Well, in case you haven’t noticed, you are not alone in this car. I am sitting right next to you. So, if you crash, you are not only going to kill yourself. You are going to kill me too, and I do not want to die. If you want to crash the car and kill yourself, that’s fine. But please, stop and let me out first.”

A look of shock came over him, as if he had just woken up from a bad dream. He slowed down, and apologised profusely for the next 10 minutes.

So, what happened here?

You see, when this box is stuck on your head, the rest of the world really does not concern you.

A depressed person is not an egotist, just to make that clear. But they are self-absorbed. That's because all they're able to see and hear, is themselves. Share on X

Their perception is distorted, and restoring their vision often requires a jolt. Something that will take them out of their depression box, at least for a moment. Just long enough for them to see that a world exists outside of it.

And the best way to do this, I have found, is through empathy.

Empathy And Human Contact Can Help You Heal

I know.

The last thing you want to do when you are depressed, is hang out with people. You’re not very good company anyway. So, why bring everybody else down? Better tough it out alone.

And you’re not very useful either, since you’ve got no energy for anything but the bare minimum. Like eating and going to the bathroom.

But that is where you are wrong.

Being with other people, and helping them out, can actually help you as well. Not only does it boost your self-esteem, but it takes your head out of the depression box. Share on X

At least for a short while, and that may be all that you need to start healing.

When your five year old niece wants you to draw pictures with her, and your sick neighbour thanks you for doing their shopping, you feel needed and wanted. And when someone needs you, obviously – you are important.

Once you see that your actions matter, that YOU MATTER, you won’t be so hard on yourself. You might even find that you are a pretty decent human being. One that deserves to be happy.

Now, if you don’t feel quite ready for human contact, try volunteering at an animal shelter first.

It’s pretty difficult to stay depressed for long, when you have orphaned kittens or puppies to take care of. Pure little fluff balls of love, tumbling at your feet. Showering you with unconditional love. Tugging on your heart strings…

Customise it – Make it your own

Note To Friends And Family

We all want to help those who are hurting, but sometimes we end up doing the exact opposite.

Often we shower the depressed person with sympathy. We feel sorry for them, and offer to help. We may even insist on helping, and refuse to take no for an answer.

Now, if you suspect that your loved one might commit suicide, by all means – intervene. But if not, helping can actually make things worse.

To be on the receiving end of sympathy and help can sometimes lead to an even deeper depression. Share on X

This is because the depressed person now has “proof” of what they’ve been telling themselves all along. That they are useless, and only cause trouble and grief for others. That people don’t really love them, and only feel sorry for them. Because they’re a sorry mess, a no good failure. And who could possibly love someone like that? No, the world would be a better place without them…

On the other hand, if you ask for their help instead of offering it, the depressed person feels useful instead of useless. That they have skills and talents that others appreciate, and that they are valuable. Perhaps they’re even worthy of love. And maybe the world is a better place with them in it.

So, in short: help when needed. But make sure you don’t leave the depressed person feeling useless.

And give hugs.
Plenty of hugs.

Hugging reduces loneliness, anxiety and depression. It makes us feel happy and loved. That’s a potent, natural remedy right there. One that is easy to give, and totally free.